About him.....

I tell myself, "he's no good for me"
I tell myself, "I can do better"
I tell myself, "he is a selfish person"

I go about a couple of days without one word to him, without one thought of him, without one image of him in my mind....but when I see him or have any communication with him, all that changes to

"Why doesn't he love me"
"Why doesn't he want to be with me"
"Why doesn't he care about me"

I feel I am fine for a few days and I am over him and I go over thoughts of why he isn't good for me or why I don't need him in my life as a partner but I melt when I see him and I my heart goes to his without question.

I didn't speak with him for a few weeks after our break up and that was hard because I missed him dearly. But we spoke a few times here and there and I was fine with it, but every once in awhile I get all heartfelt for him. I guess I could end all communication with him, and I'm sure that will be a good thing, but I'm just not ready for that yet. I have a friend who went through a break up and she would constantly tell me how she went to his house and they talked and he was being an ass and she would hurt again for a few days or weeks and then be okay, but then she would talk to him on the phone and there she goes again, thinking they could be together once more but all he wants are the "benefits" and she's not capable of that because her heart was in it too much. I told her it was her fault for having communication with him and that she's just doing it to herself. Well, I guess the shoes on the other foot now because she's telling me I'm doing this to myself--and I know she's right. I know I am. I want to believe deep down that I can have a normal relationship with him but in reality, I know I can't, at least not now. It's only been 2 1/2 months since we broke up, that's not even enough time to get over someone who has been together for 2 years. I always make up excuses saying that I'll stop seeing him after this date....but then something else comes around and I'll be like, "ok, I'll stop seeing him after THIS date..." and it goes on and on.

He and I are black and white/night and day. Our joke to each other was, "if I like it I know you won't." That's basically how it was too. I liked to go out--he was a couch potato. I am sensitive--he's hard. I want to have sex all the time--he can do without. (that's a major one too!) I like be loved physically--he never showed it.

The list is endless.

There are so many reasons I can say he's not good for me and I KNOW he's not the one for me--but I can't help but love him and want him with me all the time. The old cliche, "there's other fish in the sea" is something that plays in my head over and over and has been said to me just as much but right now, the only fish I want is him. I'm sure this is the obvious feeling whenever someone faces a break up, but this is our second break up and obviously to break up the second time had to be done for a reason.

In my head I keep thinking there is a man out there for me but he's just not ready for me yet. Either he's not ready because he's going through a divorce and needs time to heal or he's going through issues that need to be resolved before he enters my life before we can be happy. OR maybe I'm the one that's not ready for him yet. I need to overcome this break up and heal again and be loved within myself and have the confidence to face him when I see him and not shy away or put up a wall so he can't come through before we meet.

The one thing that I missed in the relationship with Michael is that he didn't show any love. He never came to me out of the blue to tell me he loved me, he never hugged me "just because", he never went out of his way to give me any sort of attention to let me know he does care about me. There were times I would be doing something and on my way home knew I would pass his house so I would call to ask him if I could come over just to give him a kiss or hug before I went home. I think to myself now, he never did that. Something like that would be nice to do. All the years we dated, he never asked me to lunch with him. I would think someone that loved you would want to spend time with you.

I feel now that he didn't love me. Before he would tell me he did (before our first break up) and that was nice, but it was only said AFTER I said it first, he was never the one to just come out and say it. After our first break up we got back together but this time he NEVER said it. I would say it to him and I never got a response back. When confronted he said he would never ignore me and he would say it back---really? Would I make that up?? Would I make up that I told you I loved you and you never said it back?? No. He gave the excuse that he never told his mom he loved her til he moved to Austin almost 10 years ago. But anyway...that was our reason for breaking up, because he never showed me he loved me or even said it to make me feel like he did. Then he ended the conversation with, "well, when I feel like telling you I love you I will and we can get back together; could be next week, could be a few days, could be a couple of months". I think of that and think how selfish and rude--I wasted my time on THAT!! For a man to sit and tell me that!! I guess it does show right there that he didnt' love me!! Besides, he never made me feel good about myself. He never complimented me on anything that I did or how I looked. When we went to his Christmas party we got all dressed up; the only people to tell me I looked good were his friends. Even walking to the Christmas party he didn't hold my hand--it was like we were friends.

So really...with the recap--does he really belong in my life?? I think I'm going to have to chalk this relationship up to ONE BAD RELATIONSHIP THAT DOESN'T NEED TO BE REPEATED---AGAIN!!

I do deserve so much better.
I do deserve a man that LOVES ME
I do deserve to be happy.

One day at a time and it'll sink in more. The love is still going to be fresh...but I have to remember the pain that was given to my heart the past 2 years.

I am only doing this to myself if I feel things will work out between us and we can be lovers again. He will never change and we will always be night/day/black/white.